Here's Your Reminder: Make a Plan with a Friend

Creating a Regular Ritual Strengths Relationships and Boosts Well-being

Close relationships are the single best predictor of our happiness. Yet a recent survey by the Bureau of Labor Statistics found that the average American spends on average only 34 minutes a day socializing with other people compared to about 2.9 hours watching TV!

What explains this lack of socializing - and this pretty poor choice in terms of how we spend our time? For most of us, it’s not intentional. Life is busy and chaotic and when Friday night rolls around, putting on sweatpants and catching up on The White Lotus or The Pitt (my new favorite binge-worthy show) seems pretty appealing.

But making a plan for some type of social interaction is a much better route to happiness. In other words, RSVP yes for that party, invite a neighbor to take a walk, or meet friends for a drink. Most of us tend to underestimate how good these types of social interactions make us feel (yet another example of errors in affective forecasting).

For more than 15 years, my husband and I have attended a play each summer at the Williamstown Theatre Festival with dear friends. We eagerly await the release of tickets each spring and coordinate schedules to choose a performance to see in July or August.

We’ve seen wonderful performances by famous actors. But my favorite part of this tradition is our chance to really catch up, including on the 90-minute drive to and from the theater and over a meal before or after the show. We talk about navigating complex work situations, managing complicated circumstances with extended family, and the highs and low of parenting young adults

These conversations are decidedly not the so-called “highlight reel” of our lives. In fact, they feel especially good because we have substantive, meaningful conversations about things that matter. Not surprisingly, these are precisely the type of interactions that build strong relationships.

Researchers in one clever study asked dating couples to discuss some questions with another dating couple. Some couples were given pretty mundane questions about everyday life activities. Others were given questions about more intimate topics and were intended to prompt intense discussion. As you can probably predict, couples who discussed more intimate topics later felt closer to their own romantic partners.

How can we strengthen our existing relationships, with family members, friends, and romantic partners? Create some type of regular ritual so that spending time with the people you care about the most becomes part of your on-going routine. This could be lunch once a month with a friend, a Friday family movie night, or a weekly call with a sibling. Setting regular plans to see — or hear — people and catch up is an easy way to maintain, and even strengthen, our connections.

As the author Annie Dillard so wisely wrote, “How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.”

And now a question for you: Do you have a regular ritual with friends or family members? If so, what is it? Share in the comments!