How to Feel Better When Your Holidays Aren’t So Jolly

Three Strategies for Managing Grief This December

For the first 35 years of my life, I’d always spent Christmas Day with my mom, meaning all of my memories of that holiday involved her in some way - making gingerbread houses, putting out cookies and milk for Santa, opening presents around the tree.

After her death in July of 2004, I was really dreading that first December without her. I couldn’t imagine repeating those traditions in her absence - or at least doing so without crying.

So that year we spent Christmas in the Dominican Republic with our three young kids. I still missed my mom tremendously, but celebrating the holiday in such a different way was a really helpful distraction from my grief. Instead of imagining Mom watching my kids open gifts, I worried about applying enough sunscreen and making sure no one drowned.

And I’m sharing this example because it illustrates one of the three strategies empirical research points to for managing grief - which for many people is especially acute during the holidays.

As you’ve probably gathered, this first strategy is to make a plan: Figure out what’s going to make you feel better. According to the dual-process model of coping with bereavement, people who are grieving alternate between loss-oriented coping - thinking about and mourning the loss of their loved one - and restoration-oriented coping - distracting yourself and creating new traditions.

The key point here is that there’s not one right or “best” approach to managing grief, so take some time to think about what feels best to you. For me, that very first year, I needed to distract, by being in a new place that wouldn’t prompt feelings of what might have been. By the following year, I was able to spend Christmas at home, which now included displaying many of Mom’s favorite decorations.

Another strategy is to cut yourself some slack. Acknowledge that the holidays will be tough and that you’re doing as well as you can - even if that means you skip some (or all) traditions. People who have more self-compassion during difficult life transitions show lower levels of anxiety and depression. They also feel happier and more optimistic about the future.

The third strategy - and in some ways the very best strategy - is to reach out to other people. Connecting with other people is particularly important during times of grief, in which many people feel isolated and alone. Researchers in one study of people who’d experienced the death of a spouse found that those with more emotional support - meaning they had people who made them feel loved and cared for - were less likely to develop depression later on. As the famous Swedish proverb says, "Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow."

And now a question for you: If you’ve had a hard holiday, how did you cope? What made you feel better? And if this December is hard for you, I hope one or all of these strategies helps make this holiday a little bit easier.