It’s OK to Do Less When You Are Coping With More
Why Self-Compassion is So Important During Hard Times
Each January I choose a “nudge word” for the year, as a way of setting an overall focus for the year; this is my (far easier) version of a New Year’s Resolution. In 2025, I chose the word “intention,” with the goal of reminding myself to make deliberate choices about how I’m spending my time - and ideally to make choices that are good for my happiness and my health.
And then the year got really hard. Instead of focusing intentionally about how to spend my time, I’ve met with lawyers about estates and wills, chosen a headstone, and scheduled movers to bring my dad’s belongings from Illinois to Massachusetts (including one of his bookshelves, which we delivered to my oldest child last weekend).
But it’s not just these personal challenges that have felt so exhausting.
A 2024 survey by the American Psychological Association found that 77% of Americans report that concern about the future of the country is a significant source of stress. (I’m predicting that number is even higher now.)
So this feels like a really good time for us all to reflect on what empirical research tells us about how best to manage stress.
One of the easiest ways to manage stress - and to minimize the negative effects of stress on health - is to simply give ourselves a break. People who have high levels of self-compassion, meaning a tendency to treat oneself with kindness and compassion, think about negative events in less dire terms. They also are less likely to blame themselves when bad things happen, which in turn reduces the experience of stress.
People who cut themselves some slack when bad things happen are also better able to fight off minor and major illnesses. To test the benefits of practicing self-compassion on health outcomes, researchers in one study asked people to assess their own acceptance of aspects of their flaws and inadequacies and then take a stress test. They then measured participants’ levels of inflammation, a physiological marker of stress linked with cardiovascular disease, cancer, and Alzheimer’s.
Their findings revealed that people who were lower in self-compassion had higher levels of inflammation even before taking the stress test, indicating that these people basically go through life experiencing more stress. People who were low in self-compassion also showed even higher inflammation after the stress test, showing that they react in adverse ways to normal daily life stressors. Over time, their lack of self-compassion could take its toll on their health and even their longevity.
So here’s an easy way to feel happier and be healthier: cut yourself some slack. Forgive yourself, be kind to yourself, and treat yourself with care and compassion.
And now a couple questions for you: How’s your own self-compassion? And, perhaps even more importantly, what’s your go to strategy for managing these stressful times? Share in the comments!
This is one of the hardest things I have learned. At least in my case, this became easier to do as I have grown older. It used to be so important to get "enough" accomplished every day! My father thought reading was a waste of time, my mother would come home and say "is that all you got done?" I internalized this and still have time ignoring those voices. My adult children have been telling me for years that I don't have to jump up every commercial to get something done, but I have such a hard time "doing nothing".
Lately I have begun to seriously question "what is doing nothing?" Age & healthy have had a role in this, I have to take better care of myself and let some things go, as hard as it is. Money is tight for us (as for so many) but I still go for a massage or a facial when I need to take some me time. I am still spending money and time on creating my art. My sister says "why? no one is buying art in this economy". I don't care, I find it brings joy to me when I share my art whether people buy or not. When someone delights in learning about the process it doesn't matter if they buy or not, learning, sharing are never a waste of time. Spending time outside, reading, or resting (in spite of the fact the yard needs work) is not a waste of time! Art is not a waste of time! Anything that brings joy or respite to anyone (myself included) is not a waste of time!! Instead, it is time well spent.
How’s your own self-compassion? I ebb and flow. Some days, self-compassion comes easy to me, and other days, not so much. But when I become aware of the opportunity to express an act of kindness to myself via self-compassion, the tender gentleness ALWAYS shifts my experience to that of something lighter and more manageable.
What’s your go to strategy for managing these stressful times? Meditation. A LOT of meditation. These days, I've gone from meditating just once in the morning before I get my day started to meditating three times a day. It has definitely helped to keep me connected with mindfulness and presence instead of zipping off to the future or past.